Just a day out at ECHO...I think I just may be able to be a farm girl... 

Starr and me at the CCF BBQ bash 

Then we lifted up a lil praise to God for keeping us safe even though we had a made a very poor choice...the end 

Then I saw the cop that was following us to our car to make sure the two stupid white girls made it to their cars safe 

Then I looked to the right 

but when we had to leave it was scary and dark so I looked to the left 

after much debate we finally select these fudge bars...they were good 

I don't like vomit so I basically sprinted to the icecream row 

but not just throwing but like power chucking everywhere 

First this little girl is like throwing up everywhere 

apparently it's not in the best part of town...people die there...but my friend Christy and I really wanted icecream so we went. (it was right by where I was housesitting)  

so I have a story to tell about Shop n Save 

Sam said I'm getting revenege for all the time David messed with my son... 

One of the family (actually I'm the Jesse replacement not in their hearts just at family holidays)  

the sweet view from the house I was house/dog/cat sitting at.  

me practicing not smiling..still not very good at it
 

Twila's birthday celebration...we partied like it was 1976 

Charlie's new angels 

Charlie how your angels get down like that...

Ok, so I bought the best cd ever (ok maybe not ever but...a sweet workout cd) Destiny Child's number 1 hits. All I can say is that I don't think you're ready for this jelly...never gets old to me... We're moving offices into our new beautiful remodeled goodness! I'll have an office with a door and privacy and everything! So happy...My body is so sore from moving all the stuff out of the two offices into this one...but we still aren't allowed to start work because we don't have our certificate of occupancy yet so this week will be pretty random...and streching for people like me who likes to know what I'll be doing when I wake up in the morning.
I'm still chewing on a lot in my life right now... mannn it makes me exhausted though...my friend Twila and I have been talking a lot about how lately we've been thinking about hurts in our life...you know things that you push deep down inside and tell yourself that they're no big deal but in all realality they are a big deal and you relive them. For me it was talking to my friend Ashley a few weeks ago that opened that flood gate...I remembered this incident that happened freshman year on our way to St. Louis on a missions trip...mannn it sucks to look back after 6 yrs and realize that you're never forgiven people or gotten over a hurt I've wrapped myself in or even the real reason I left MCC...so much hurt that it took me a week to realize why I was tired...so yeah Twila and I will tell each other our random memories and just listen to each other first be all like I can't believe I'm still hurt about this and that it shouldn't be a big deal but it still hurts...It's wierd once I've shared those hurts they aren't so huge anymore and while they still sting they aren't such gaping big wounds anymore...that once I've allowed myself to be open, honest, and vulnerable with people the deep relationships that I crave actually happen...real communiaction happens and not just between people but also with God. God has always in my life found ways to crank me open...he never just let me fester in my sin...he is always not just chasing after me but also rescuing and holding me close. I have a hard time trusting him...I want to and my head and heart know that it is what needs to happen and yet I hold myself back...fear of the unknown...fear or totally surrender and abandonment and allowing my needs to be met by someone other than me. This is what we're called to...and honestly I don't know how to do that at this point. How to allow myself to be loved truly, madly, and deeply by my creator. To give up myself...one would think someone that spend 5 years at Bible College would know how to do that and yet here I sit perflexed, frustrated, and well... hurt. I know the decision that I need to make but I'm trying to figure out how to do it... I have a feeling it's much simplier than I'm making it out to be but it's one of those things that I need to own and make mine...
So yeah...I realized that all my favorite tv shows have a lot if inner monologue and that I'm starting to do that...(this is like when I watched too much Gilmore Girls and starting talking like them - real fast and witty at least to me in my head) Yeah... I should probally stop the inner monologue because it's not as cool as it is on Scrubs and Grey's anotomy at all...but seriously try doing it for a day...it's kind of fun!

Prove me Wrong

So I think this song pretty much captures my week. It's always been a favorite of mine.
Prove me Wrong by Caedmon's Call
(on their Long Line of Leavers album)

Sometimes I fearMaybe I'm not chosen
You've hardened my heart like Pharaoh
And that would explain whyLife is so hard for me
And I am sad that Esau hatedCrying against what's faded
Saying, "Father, please...Is there any left for me?
"Cast all my doubtsPlease, prove me wrong
Cause these demons Can be so headstrong
Make my walls fall
Please, prove me wrong
Cause this resentment's been building
So burn them up with your fire so strong
And if you can before I bail
Please, prove me wrong
I fear maybe this is all just a game
And our friends and our families all play
To harness the young
And give some comfort to the old
Cast all my doubts
Please, prove me wrong
Cause these demons Can be so headstrong
Make my walls fall
Please, prove me wrong
Cause this resentment's been building
So burn them up with your fire so strong
And if you can before I bail
Please, prove me wrong
Don't let my doubts prove true
Draw me close and hold me near to you
Keep me strong until the day you...
Cast all my doubts
Please, prove me wrong
Cause these demons
Can be so headstrong
Make my walls fall
Please, prove me wrong
Cause this resentment's been building
So burn them up with your fire so strong
And if you can before I bail
Please, prove me wrong

a beach tradition... 

I was so happy 

My new friend 

the view was awesome! 

Deep thoughts

Ok so yesterday I found a little pieace of paradise! I went to Sanibel Island with a group of friends. I love this group but after not getting enough sleep and just hanging out with the night before our very distinct and different personalities rubbed against each other in a bad way at times. It was all worth it though...it was the perfect beach day. See I guess I should explain that I'm not a beach kind of girl...my people were not beach dwellers...I'm pale (ghastly white on the legs), red hair, green eyes, and freckles...I don't tan I burn then peel then get more freckles...so beach time isn't my kind of things all the time. My people are Irish, English, Scottish, and German...if you'd add a Nordic people in there I think I'd be an albano there's so much whiteness. Ok, back to beach time...it was great the sun was hot but not I can smell my own flesh burning hot, there was a soft breeze, 6 dolphins past by (not Zipper though (he's surly)), and the water was perfect!!! it was awesome! At one point everyone (but me) decided to run on the beach (not me---bad ankles or so I said) and I got sweet beach alone time! A time to finsh the book and then just think with the sound of the waves softly break on the shore. I was hit hard by something in the end of the book about community...I wanted to share it because it pretty well sums up my past year and everything I've been going through.
" Life in community does not keep the darkness away. To the contrary. It seems that the light that attracted me to L'Arche aslo made me conscious of the darkness in myself. Jealousy, angry, the feeling of being rejected or neglected, the sense of not truly belonging - all of these emerged in the context of a community striving for a life of forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing. Community life has opened me up to the real spiritual combact: the struggle to keep moving toward the light precisely when the darkness is so real. As long as I lived by myself, it seemed rather easy to keep the elder son hidden from view. Bit the sharing of life with people who are not hiding their feelings soon confronted me with the elder son within. There is little romanticism to community life. There is the constant need to keep stepping out of the engulfing darkness onto the platform of the father's embrace." - Henri Nouwen.
Sometimes I hate that everything can be like duhhh Corey...I feel like what I'm feeling or have gone through should be something as grand as my over reaction to it. This however was not one of those moments...as I sat on the beach watching from a distant a dad play with his boys in the sand and my friends walking back I realized something. That it's my choice how to react to things...and these choices determine wither or not I will be alone or in community. As I think about relationships especially marriage and parenting(not that I'm dating anyone or have prospects) I realize how hard they are...you have to be willing to share your life with someone - the good times and the bad. I will be honest that I didn't grow up with any examples of this kind of community and the thought scares me to death. It scares me to give up that kind of control and trust people. My head says Corey you know what will happen but my heart on the other hand cries out Corey don't you see what could happen. I pray that one day both will cry out the same thing but for now I just have to make it through today. Today will be filled with little battles in that combat and there will be many defeats and hopefully more victories but I know there will be progress. I know this because we are made new in Christ and we each a work in progress and more importantly I know because I'm not doing it alone.