I am the luckiest

I am luckiest to have been able to spend this past summer in Auckland, New Zealand. For real, it amazes me that God blessed with being able to live there for 11 weeks of my life. I keep expecting to stop missing it with all my heart or to be able to move on - maybe I;m just really way too hard on myself or I'm being an emotional girl but my heart breaks with the realization that I may not ever be able to go back. I got to talk to AJ today and wish him a happy birthday which was wonderful and I'm so glad I got to wish him it. On the other hand I'm sittting here filling out forms evaluating my summer I find myself tearing up and fighting tears. In so many ways I failed this summer - my pride and ego got in the way but in so many ways this summer with Carrie. Its not really her or my Japanese or Chinese friends I miss so much - I do but its livable. I miss my small group and the community that we shared. I miss talking with AJ for hours on end about well everything under the sun but especially about his ministries. I miss Jeremy just making me smile for being well Jeremy. I miss Nick's hug bear hugs. I miss being amazed by Janelle everytime she opened her mouth and spoke. I miss Gram's openness and friendliness. I miss Brad being freakin halarious. I miss talking to Frances and leaving wanting more time with her. I miss hundling in a courner with Heather and talking for hours (and singing soft rock to each other). I miss Ken being well Ken - ohh yeah and listening to John Ruben. I miss craig's sassyness! I miss seeing Fiona and Jay mock each other in Africans. I miss Megans way of making me feel beautiful. I miss Francine's way funny humor! I miss Amy's insights on everything. I miss stephanies laugh. I miss Ruth's mothering - ohh and cooking! I miss Kirsty's asking if anyone wants a hot drink! I miss the Mr. Happy mug- man its cool. I miss the fight for leather. I miss snuggling with a warm blanket with whoever is next to me. I miss everyone picking on Jeremy. I miss the utter chaos that the beginning of a meeting is because we all have so much to say to each other. I miss being loved for who I am. I miss listening to people talk about what the Bible is saying to them. I miss AJ's stare when no one is answering a question. I miss coming as an individual and leaving as a piece of a whole. So yeah you could say I miss small group - lets admitt it it is my home group in more ways than one. I sit here and have wondered for the past 3 week if I will ever be able find that kind of community again. I hope so becasue now that I've had a taste for it I don't think I could ever settle for anything less. I know I will through all this homesickness - thats what it is. I know that in a month I'll be so wrapped up in school and CSF that the emptyness won't be as great. I know all the things - it just that in some ways I don't want to "get over" New Zealand. I don't want to get over how much it means to me. I don't want to forget. I don't want to leave it behind me - I want to take it will me and have it grow with me.