Birthday me! Isn't this teh coolest picture ever! 

Auckland - where my heart is at this moment! 

Scattered

So yeah you know when God's starting to do something to your heart but you don't know what- yeah so thats me right now. I know God is trying to break down all the walls I've built up around myself. Hmmm I just wish I got it - I mean I am so dense sometimes. So yeah its hard right now --hard but in a really good way. My roommate Megan and Tara (who's basically a roommate) and I started to pray everynight at 11 - it was really good last night. Uhmm so yeah my body totally slept in today - now I get to work - yeahhh money! Then out withe the CSF house - even better! So I'll get some sweet as Jesse and Joshie time - ohh how I heart them.
Why does God put amazing people in ones life as I'm are leaving ---whyyyyyyy!!!!!!
Yesterday was a happy day - I laughed a lot!

What's goin on

I HAVE A JOB!!!!! I'm going to work for New Missions Systems International in their affiliation and support department - heck yes I'm excited. Ok so I'm glad to have a job but I'm mostly glad that I have the next step. I've been so confused about everything that I've not been really living my life. Ok so I'll do this for like the next 2 years and then reevaluate. Man I'm scared of failing - everyone keeps pointing out that the odds are against me - 10% only stay in ministry - 50% of all missionaries leave after their first term - I don't want this to be me. I want to press on! I am sad that I won't be doing campus ministry or youth ministry- they are my loves but maybe I can get involved in a church. Why won't my secret dream of being a minister's wife leave ---I can't bank on that - I have to have my own ministry---I'm single with no prospects and yet... Its way frustrating! God is really convicting me about my relationship - or lack there of with Him. How did I get this far away and how do I get back to Him. I realize that I crave Him and yet fill my time with distractions. Why and I so lazy and scared of Him? Makes one wonder!

So the intuder came back this weekend - these 2 girls chased him out of the dorms -- way brave of them. They are like way tiny girls too! Dave Legg came to the dorms last night to talked to us about it -- man that guy is awesome - I just see him and my heart melts --not in a bad way but he is so precious and well Dave...Oh to be a guy so I could be his bff (best friend forever)!

I've been listening to the funniest comedian Bryan Regan - so funny - I cried and snorted when I heard him! Also been burning Brooke Fraser for everyone - will spread the love of the kiwiness! My roomie and I have been hanging out a lot - man she's funny - can't think of anything at the moment. Ohh well we both aren't the smartest students but we learned our two minds together equal one smart person. So "cabin time" has been fun to say the least!

forgotten

Has you ever been forgotten somewhere - seriously left for hours until you call and remind them. Well that happened a lot growing up - I seemed to always be the kid in the family that got forgotten. I mean I never got in trouble and I tried not to be an inconvience - with 4 kids and only one mom you just kinda learn your place. Today however I was forgotten again - left to feel alone and misplaced. Its my birthday and yet again I was forgotten - not by close friends at the csf or even practical strangers but by my family. As my birthday draws to a close I find my self calling home to remind them - remember me but there is no answer this time. No I'll be there in 15 minutes instead there is a impersonable answering machine that beeps. I have no casue to complain I had a wonderful birthday picnic - the day has warm and beautiful and yet...It comes back to the fact I was forgotten by the ones that well...yeah.

Scary As

Hey so there is a guy getting into the girls dorm here at Johnson. It happened om Saturday night ---my neighbour was one of the people. He uncovered a girl while she was sleeping and then ran when she started screaming ----ok that wasn't my neighbour but still ---how scary is that --- It happened at least to every wing once. I never lock my door --well until now --now its always closed and locked. Like I try not to be scared but well who wouldn't be. I haven't told my mom --she would so freak. The dean is all liek there has been a "security breatch". So yeah uhmm sleep has been hard at night. Uhmm so yesterday I talked with New Missions Systems about affliating and they were all like just get your references in and you're in. Scary! I would work in the home office in Florida for a year at least --- doing PR work and leading short term missions trips. It could be really great. Its just hard to pin it down. I really wish I was going to New Zealand but I see that this isn't God's timing. I honestly keep hoping that I'll meet someone and we'll do ministry toegther --but it looks like I'm goin into this alone ---so scared about that too. This summer taught me how hard it is to do ministry alone and I'm honestly doubting if I can. I mean I know if God is with me I can but still...

wicked fun

So yeah a lot has happened since like wednesday ---ok not really. Well I went rafting on sat and it was freaking awesome. We had the coolest guide ever --this mountian man named Johnny. Ohhh the pictures are so sweet - our raft is like in the air ---its great. At one point he's all like I can't believe I'm doing this. Yeah so that was great. Then I got to drive home ---so tired --Had to sing to stay awake while everyone else slept ---pitty them --I'm not Whitney Houston thats for sure. I will admit I was cranky when I got home. I slept from 8pm till 9am the next day straight. Church was really good today ---Sam preached on bad days --something I really understand right now. Then was a free meal - subway - which one gots to love free food. I came home and slept more --see last night I had this dream I was back in Auckland. I was hanging out with Heather and everything is cool. Then it was like I was fighting something and I don't know what it was. I had to keep explaining to AJ that I was there for ministry and I was in a fight with him. The whole dream was just plain stressful --money wasn't working out in it and well nothing was working out. The best part of it was I got to see Heather - man I miss talking to her. I woke up even more confused and feeling crappy -- kinda started the day off on a bad note. I was in a bad mood all church and just kind of feeling alone --you know those days when you can't shake off the mood you woke in --it was one of them ---my response go to bed and start all over. I went to meet with Jondra (the missions prof's wife) and it went really well ---it was nice to be around people and just share. I definately feel lifted up by them. I'm goin meet with Jondra once a week --and I think I've figured out something to do longterm that just makes sense to me ---go with NMSI for a year and just grow spiritually ---maybe lead a trip --maybe not ---but grow then go out then. Frankly I have some issues I need to work out before I go out that I think NMSI would be good with --but who knows what tommorrow will bring.

Slow as

Yeah so work was slow as today...for real 3 customers from 7:45 - 11am. I did get to fold tees and cleaning tends to give me some great thinking time. i got to talk with this awesome woman I work with peggy about her Daughter that has this tumor on her spine ---its a hard situation for her but she has so much joy and peace (so great to see). Uhmm then I came home and napped. The hurricane has been dumping tons o rain here --Its like Auckland only warmer --I was like home what! Then was teh CSF --which kinda sucked --I hardcore disagreed with the minister on several points. But hey thats why what happen in the reformation --we were all given the right to personal interp of scripture. So yeah then I came home and chatted with the mom -- it was good. I asked her to try to visit me this semester - something I've never done before. It was a good talk - I really really miss my family - I regret not having much time with them this summer. I honestly haven't seen my mom more than a week total in 9 months now. I am really missing Ethan something fierce ---I talked to him on the phone. He wants to either be a dino or spiderman for halloween. I wonder how I will live so far away from him. Anyway, if they do come then they will stay for a weekend and it will be fun! Man I will be a scary mom one day! Pitty the man I will love with all my heart - for he knows not what he is getting himself into! So then I did homework - yes I do do homework.
I was ready something Jack Cottrell says and it hit me - this is about God - "The world is his garden. He planted it (creation), and he is lovingly tending it as it grows (providence). He holds it in the hollow of his hand. I don't know why but this impacted me. I guess even though I am totally scatterbrained and lost at the moment - God still has a plan and is lovingly tending me as I grow --I am in the hollow of his hand at this very moment!

Mornin Readin

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest." - Galatians 6:9
This was my morning nugget of gold- funny how God gives you encouragment just when you need it - or gives you the what up. Well off to work - gots to be there by 7:45am - YEAH that AM!!!!

Thundercats

Whoaaahhh...sorry been jammin to some sweet as Relient K - man they never get old - me and the roommate love ehm! So yeah work was actually not bad --this dude that always hit on me is working there again --man I get uncomfortable - I don't know what to do! I came home and wrote this short novel to my small group - went to email it and lost the whole thing -ahhhhh. I took a nice long hot shower ---I have a shower radio and the soft rock and pop stations come in perfect - so I flip between the two depending on my mood. Last night was pop ---boodylycious was on and man I'm glad the roommate was gone for that singing adventure - I am no black woman thats for sure. I cleaned the trash pit of a room which wasn't all that trashy after all. The RA gave us a gold star for cleanliness - we had the cleanest room! Uhmm yeah did some random emailing - ohh got the fraggle rock theme in French ---its the funniest/creepiest thing I've ever heard ---listening to it now actually - c'est ce Fraggle Rock!
Been thinking about a lot in life lately ---wonder how God is going to make all of this work out. Its kinda exciting. I hate it how say something then it comes back and it true ---Like I said to Kelly one day about the man I'll marry ---"You know the exciting thing is even if it doesn't work him I know that God has someone even better for me --which gets me excited becasue he's pretty much incredible." I said that a while ago - you know when things come back --its like ohhh ...thats also how I feel about my future - I need to totally give up my control on it and not worry about tommorrow - I know that if NZ or England or Spain doesn't work out then God ahs something better for me - something that completes me better --somewhere he needs me more.
Random Quotes of the day: "I'm just hitting snooze my Biological clock" - Me and "He is my dam boyfriend" - Jesse and "Lets just keep the curses and cursed objects to my side of the room" - Megan. "Maybe you'll fly of the Bull and land on him" - Jesse

Boomsday family fun

So, on Sat I was in charge of the CSF's boomsday things - went well except I left someone behind - man I felt like crud. I got into walk fast mode and didn't look back - hmm wonder if this applies to more than one area of my life. The fireworks were so cool - it was fun. Then we watched Can't Hardly wait - one of my all time fav movies - so funny - man I love Seth Green. I also got some Sweet Jesse time - dang that girl is amazing - such an amazing servant! I also got to cuddle with her kitty - dudley - aka one of the coolest cats ever - so funny! I was so tired I fell asleep in like 2 mins and missed out on any cabin time. Then church was amazing great - my favorite prof preached - about true spirituality and well I needed to hear that. I made the lunch afterwards - man I love doing that kind of stuff. Everyone's parents were out visiting - so fun. Steven's parents were there - such fun people - his dad Buddy is a great man and his mom Sally is the sweet person ever. I think its so fun to see where people came from...it explains a lot about them. Well other than that not much going on - going white water rafting next sat - so excited - I don't have a swimsuit - I actually lost it. So yeah thats about it here - My room is trashed at the moment and I have to work nine hours tommorrow. Oh my painting is actually really cool - man it helped my mood. I need to turn off the depressing music but I can't - I love it! No really the Garden State soundtract is awesome just like the movie! Best get a cleanin and need to spend some time thinkin and praying about England. Oh so like all my friends randomly have emailed from NZ and it tugs at my heart. Man!!!

Truth and Purity

I realize that the Bible says the truth will set you free but I guess I learning more about truth at the moment. Man all I feel like I do is whine lately...I'm not trying to...Life just keeps bring one thing after another after another. I was well given some crappy news today that made me both angry and embaressed at the same time. I just wanted to scream and yell - it was my right not o tell about something - If I had wanted it known I would have told it myself. I was embaressed becasue it was of personal nature that is a side of me that I don't have the greatest confidence in. I was hurt in the fact that I never got to explain myself - or my feelings - someone took that away from me - now they will never be truely understood. So on Monday on the way home from work I was chattin it up with God while I was driving and I asked God to smack me in face with wither or not he wanted me in New Zealand. So yeah uhmm I am taking this all as a NZ is a no go for the moment - which is nice but sucky to know. I mean I love it dearly but at this moment and I realize that this is the hurt speaking it is the last place I want to be at the moment - nice change because it has been the only place I wanted to be for quite some time. I don't know if I'm over reacting or over anylazing everything like I tend to do. I got to call my Best friend Kelly from home and just just let me weep and she even cried right along with me - man God has blessed me with amazing an woman. It was freeing to just let it go - didn't think I was as hurt as I was - funny what happens when you let yourself just feel what happens. i went out to dinner with Hannah and Missy - felt bad cause I was poor company. I even went to the soccer game to cheer on Steven- and yet again I was poor company. Went to walmart and bought a beautiful canvas to poor my feelings onto - man I'll create some crappy art tonight :) I don't know why but being creative sooths my feelings. In NZ when everything was crap with Carrie I was able to make these scroll things and posters for girls night - man it felt good. Something about just letting myself go and just expressing is well...purifing to me.

England

Well today was a good day - classes were good - I learned about the danger of being too open and vunernable with my congreation. It was neat becasue I have wrestled with that concept. Then we discussed the attrubutes of God and it was well...powerful. So excited for Tommy to preach at the CSF house on Sunday. Then I learned about the urban poor in mexico city - hard core dude hardcore! Homeless children rip my heart out - I'mlike I'll take them all and love them please! Then I met with CMF about future missions ideas and one came up - it is starting a campus ministry in England - and maybe doing some youth ministry work with an organization that partners with CIY - I mean they are both things very close to my heart its just hard because well - its not New Zealand. Not that I can only work there it just I seemed to have left my heart there and I can't move past it so much. I'm sitting here drinking my L&P the sweet nector of God himself - sweet heavens I only have 5 cans left what will I do. I gaze loveling at my bunderburg ginger beer (nonalcholic) and want it but realize its all I have in the world! So yeah I'm full drama. Today was a good day all in all. OH I AM GETTING CREDIT FOR MY INTERNSHIP- Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So yeah thats about it here - tommorrow is work and the guys first soccer game - go Stevers! So yeah its good and happy aniversery out to Jesse and Josh - three years - dang and thats just dating! You both amaze me with your love! Such good friends the Lord has truely blessed me with this past year - so excited about slumber party on Sat night (I'll bring my NZ mud mask)

bitten

Yeah my ankles are covered with bites from some unknown insect from cleaning trash up at UT. They ich like mad and are driving me insane!!!!!! So yeah not much is going on here. I'm waiting to see if I got credit for New Zealand still - I should find out tommorrow - so scared by the way. The best news is that I got to wear my vote for Pedro shirt today - ok so 1 person got it - well it wasn't about them. Then this girl - ok she's evenan RA - man she was a huge jerk and was all like I heard that movie's stuipd and only guys think its funny. I was all like well call me a guy casue it was freakin halarious. Yeah well stupid thing to get mad at but here at JBC you would think people would be less high school but they aren't - I actually think it's worse in some ways. I signed up to chat with 2 missions agencies tommorrow - kinda nervous. My deadline for church is in a month! I get so sick to my stomach whenever I think about it. After NZ I just realized that I want to be a partner in ministry - to work along sides someone closely - but alas currently no one is interested (the story of my life) also i realized that yet again another Birthday draws closer and I still have not had a first date or relationship - I guess I'm having an emotional day today sorry . It just honestly makes me feel like..unwanted and wonder what is wrong with me. My roommate was like you intimate men - I know she mean well but still...I can't help being me. I guess I'm still getting comfortable in my own skin and it effects all the other areas of my life.

freak yeah

So yeah everyone needs to see Napoleon Dynomite ---so great I kept thinking about it and laughing hardcore. Its totally sweet as for real! Uhmm so church was good today ---I got my couch in my room --its so comfy and fun!!!! I also gotto talk to my great friend LeLyne - man I've missed her - i got to hear all about her wedding and just chat with her - ok so it was like 3 hours long but it was needed! It was great to talk through things and just catch up on each others lives - she was kinda my accountabilty partner last semester. I'm actually living in her old room - which is wierd. Man its great to have the couch ---it makes the room more ...friendly and open! Man I love it! So I think I need to cut back on hours at work I worked out my days...
Monday work 8 hours...Tuesday 4 classes then teaching Foriegners kids reading...Wedneday I work 6 hours then I have Bible study Thursaday I have 4 classes then I do some innercity work then Friday i work 5-8 hours and if I can go out then Sat work 8 hours Sunday I have church then accountablity day then church again....man how have I over booked myself in a week. I feel bad cause I need the money for working that much and I need Christian service hours...and I love church things. So study time soesn't fit in so well....goin have to take a day off work. I'm thinking Wednesday or friday...I am leaning toward fridays. Imagne no classes no work freak yeah this could be a great day.

It has begun

....work has begun. I now am offically a cashier at Khol's department store. Man I love/hate this job - is it wrong that I find joy in making some customers mad - like the ones that are jerky to me. I mean people are so jerky to me - they blame me for a) them having no money b) Khols policies c) the bad economy. I do however love working off campus and the people I work with are so great. Is it wrong that some of them were more interested in my internship than people at JBC? The only bad thing is that I work like 25 hours this next week- ahhhhhhh!

So yesterday was soo much fun! I went to the barn dance - which was so fun! I danced with Steven and Josh! Me and Josh can't dance together - mostly it was me that was the problem. I told them to knock me around till I followed their lead. Then we went to see Napoleon Dynomite - for real one of the funniest movies I have ever seen - gosh I laughed hard - all day I'll think of something and it cracks me up! Then I had to do a walmart run then came home. I was a bit pissed off about some comments that were made and vented to Missy - who as always helped me see the errors of my ways/aditude. I called Matt and Steven to apolgize - Steven and I ended up talking for 2 hours - it was really good. I really appreciate his friendship. I know I can trust him and I pray that he feels the same way about me. I am so glad I know where I stand with him - we are just friends and its totally cool! It's great casue there is no arkward tension or crap - we can be ourselves and its refreshing. God really speaks through that man and his transparency. He challenges me all the time.

Ohh so it was a good non-missing New Zealand day - I didn't cry about it all day! It was on my heart but I find the more I get into life here the easier it becomes. I am finding community in the CSF that is beautiful. I wonder why God has blessed me so much sometimes - I mean I'm a no one and yet he has loved me so much- it boggles my mind. I look at Jesse and wonder how I ever lived without her friendship.

I had a good talk with Martha and we discussed some hard truths. My heart hurts for her and what all she has gone through. Her ex is a bastard and a half and I wish I were a man casue I would for kick his ass and then do it again! Sorry guys that do things like that girls should be ....man it was hard to listen to especially with everything that has happened to me in my life. Anyway it was a good talk - we both were able to forgive and agree to work slowly at a friendship. Honestly I barely see my roommate at this point - i wonder when I'll see anyone! I just feel like God is beginning something in my heart and I just have to keep striving after him to find it. I just keep thinking about finding so much joy ministering with someone else - completeing someone's minstry and wondering if I'll ever get to do that again...

Rise and Shine

So today is going to be a good day! I woke up butt early to go to bfast with a friend, Cyn Bin - I'm in this give everyone wierd nicknames stage right now. I'm jammin to Nickel Creek at th moment and thankin God to be alive. AJ sent me a copy of his sermon and it was totally sweet as - it really hit me hard in a lot of ways - I think I'll do my devos from it all week! In it he asked this question - How available am i to the people in my little world? Do I let people know I care for them? Am I getting better at listening and not judging? Yeah uhmm very convicting!

I went in to work and I got my schedule and I work 12 hours in the next 2 days - so much! I am glad to have the work and the pay it will bring! I met with the registar about my internship counting and it has to be a committee descision so I have this form to fill out...its outta my hands and in God's - I just have to let go and pray. Tonight is the barn dance at church - so excited! I gots my cute cowgirl shirt and hair in pigtails, on already. I get a pic casue I look cute if I can say!

almost complete

I've almost finished my scrapbook of this summer - Looking at it is hard because it doesn't seem to do it justice. I guess the reality of 11 weeks counting for no credit has me a bit blue to be honest. I've been having a harder time adjusting to returning than I though possible. This girl here was like my best friend last year - I mean we did everything together. Well it went sour and she decided she didn't like me so much anymore. Well we are now talking again - I mean I've missed her but I'm not sure about the whole thing. I mean I forgive her and hope that she can forgive me for what all happened but I guess it drags up some old pains that cut me really deep. She really really hurt me when she made her decision - Now I don't even know what to do about the whole thing - how do I handle this situation like a mature Christian woman. I feel like I can't be feeling this way - I'm supposed to be the strong one - I'm the one who has to lead when in truth I want to do anything but lead at the moment -I want to give up and run away. I guess this days stress is really getting to me. On the good news side I got my job back - Praise God from whom all blessings flow! God has given me such amazing friends here that totally back me up on things. God has provided me a way to be here. God gave me an incredible summer in New Zealand. God has given me this beautiful computer to use. God has given me health. God has given me a loving (for the most part) family, God has given me my dashing good looks, He has blessed me with so much - I am so thankful! He has and is good and I just need to ride this wave of bad junk out.

shocker of the day (or at least so far)

So yet another drama in my life is that my internship may not count for any credit - which means I have to do it all over again somewhere. It is really all my fault - well and my profs - we didn't turn in registration of the credit - so I have to fight to have it count. Oh and fight I will do. If it doesn't count I'm not sure what I will do - I am thinking I can work a day a week here in Knoxville with an innercity ministry intern then if I go back to New Zealand having that count as like 1-2 credits - this could work! Man I suck at this whole responsiblity thing -I'm goin make a sucky adult one day.

Fresh beginnings

So, I'm finally back at school.
10 hours of driving
3 construation zones - once I went 9 miles in 50 mins -ahhhh
80 miles per hour
2 stops for petrol
1 hour spent waiting for the locksmith to open my car door in Nashville
10 cds
1 bottle of Mountian Dew
3 hours of jammin to soft rock later....
and I pull up on campus
Yeah so I definately cried at the gas station about my keys - I looked at the attendant and I was started ballin to this old southern woman - its just flowed out of me. All I wanted in the world was my mom to make everything better.
Then church was awesome on Sunday - I was walked in late (of course) and Steven who's leading worship gets this grin on his face and I'm think yeah people missed me! It was so good to be around all my CSF buddies- it made my heart happier than its been in a long while. Then yeah it was fun! Then I started to move in - its like 95 degrees here and the elevator is busted - I live on the third floor. Yeah uhmm so I almost died - I hate being hot and man was I hot! Then was prayer service at church and it went soo very well! Then I wnet to Jesse's apartment and got to play with her kitty Dudley. Its a black cat - sooo cute. I'm so excited that she's goin be my accountablity partner - can I just say that! Then was the walmart trip where I sent too much and didn't get half the stuff I need. Man moving in is expensive. Good news I got my new computer and its glorious! Will find someone with a dig camera. Uhm yeah so today I think I got my job back and I just have been seeing people. Also listening to the freshman and trying to be supportive - man its draining! They latch on to you for dear life! Its sad but ...what else can I do?