forgotten

Has you ever been forgotten somewhere - seriously left for hours until you call and remind them. Well that happened a lot growing up - I seemed to always be the kid in the family that got forgotten. I mean I never got in trouble and I tried not to be an inconvience - with 4 kids and only one mom you just kinda learn your place. Today however I was forgotten again - left to feel alone and misplaced. Its my birthday and yet again I was forgotten - not by close friends at the csf or even practical strangers but by my family. As my birthday draws to a close I find my self calling home to remind them - remember me but there is no answer this time. No I'll be there in 15 minutes instead there is a impersonable answering machine that beeps. I have no casue to complain I had a wonderful birthday picnic - the day has warm and beautiful and yet...It comes back to the fact I was forgotten by the ones that well...yeah.

Scary As

Hey so there is a guy getting into the girls dorm here at Johnson. It happened om Saturday night ---my neighbour was one of the people. He uncovered a girl while she was sleeping and then ran when she started screaming ----ok that wasn't my neighbour but still ---how scary is that --- It happened at least to every wing once. I never lock my door --well until now --now its always closed and locked. Like I try not to be scared but well who wouldn't be. I haven't told my mom --she would so freak. The dean is all liek there has been a "security breatch". So yeah uhmm sleep has been hard at night. Uhmm so yesterday I talked with New Missions Systems about affliating and they were all like just get your references in and you're in. Scary! I would work in the home office in Florida for a year at least --- doing PR work and leading short term missions trips. It could be really great. Its just hard to pin it down. I really wish I was going to New Zealand but I see that this isn't God's timing. I honestly keep hoping that I'll meet someone and we'll do ministry toegther --but it looks like I'm goin into this alone ---so scared about that too. This summer taught me how hard it is to do ministry alone and I'm honestly doubting if I can. I mean I know if God is with me I can but still...

wicked fun

So yeah a lot has happened since like wednesday ---ok not really. Well I went rafting on sat and it was freaking awesome. We had the coolest guide ever --this mountian man named Johnny. Ohhh the pictures are so sweet - our raft is like in the air ---its great. At one point he's all like I can't believe I'm doing this. Yeah so that was great. Then I got to drive home ---so tired --Had to sing to stay awake while everyone else slept ---pitty them --I'm not Whitney Houston thats for sure. I will admit I was cranky when I got home. I slept from 8pm till 9am the next day straight. Church was really good today ---Sam preached on bad days --something I really understand right now. Then was a free meal - subway - which one gots to love free food. I came home and slept more --see last night I had this dream I was back in Auckland. I was hanging out with Heather and everything is cool. Then it was like I was fighting something and I don't know what it was. I had to keep explaining to AJ that I was there for ministry and I was in a fight with him. The whole dream was just plain stressful --money wasn't working out in it and well nothing was working out. The best part of it was I got to see Heather - man I miss talking to her. I woke up even more confused and feeling crappy -- kinda started the day off on a bad note. I was in a bad mood all church and just kind of feeling alone --you know those days when you can't shake off the mood you woke in --it was one of them ---my response go to bed and start all over. I went to meet with Jondra (the missions prof's wife) and it went really well ---it was nice to be around people and just share. I definately feel lifted up by them. I'm goin meet with Jondra once a week --and I think I've figured out something to do longterm that just makes sense to me ---go with NMSI for a year and just grow spiritually ---maybe lead a trip --maybe not ---but grow then go out then. Frankly I have some issues I need to work out before I go out that I think NMSI would be good with --but who knows what tommorrow will bring.

Slow as

Yeah so work was slow as today...for real 3 customers from 7:45 - 11am. I did get to fold tees and cleaning tends to give me some great thinking time. i got to talk with this awesome woman I work with peggy about her Daughter that has this tumor on her spine ---its a hard situation for her but she has so much joy and peace (so great to see). Uhmm then I came home and napped. The hurricane has been dumping tons o rain here --Its like Auckland only warmer --I was like home what! Then was teh CSF --which kinda sucked --I hardcore disagreed with the minister on several points. But hey thats why what happen in the reformation --we were all given the right to personal interp of scripture. So yeah then I came home and chatted with the mom -- it was good. I asked her to try to visit me this semester - something I've never done before. It was a good talk - I really really miss my family - I regret not having much time with them this summer. I honestly haven't seen my mom more than a week total in 9 months now. I am really missing Ethan something fierce ---I talked to him on the phone. He wants to either be a dino or spiderman for halloween. I wonder how I will live so far away from him. Anyway, if they do come then they will stay for a weekend and it will be fun! Man I will be a scary mom one day! Pitty the man I will love with all my heart - for he knows not what he is getting himself into! So then I did homework - yes I do do homework.
I was ready something Jack Cottrell says and it hit me - this is about God - "The world is his garden. He planted it (creation), and he is lovingly tending it as it grows (providence). He holds it in the hollow of his hand. I don't know why but this impacted me. I guess even though I am totally scatterbrained and lost at the moment - God still has a plan and is lovingly tending me as I grow --I am in the hollow of his hand at this very moment!

Mornin Readin

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest." - Galatians 6:9
This was my morning nugget of gold- funny how God gives you encouragment just when you need it - or gives you the what up. Well off to work - gots to be there by 7:45am - YEAH that AM!!!!

Thundercats

Whoaaahhh...sorry been jammin to some sweet as Relient K - man they never get old - me and the roommate love ehm! So yeah work was actually not bad --this dude that always hit on me is working there again --man I get uncomfortable - I don't know what to do! I came home and wrote this short novel to my small group - went to email it and lost the whole thing -ahhhhh. I took a nice long hot shower ---I have a shower radio and the soft rock and pop stations come in perfect - so I flip between the two depending on my mood. Last night was pop ---boodylycious was on and man I'm glad the roommate was gone for that singing adventure - I am no black woman thats for sure. I cleaned the trash pit of a room which wasn't all that trashy after all. The RA gave us a gold star for cleanliness - we had the cleanest room! Uhmm yeah did some random emailing - ohh got the fraggle rock theme in French ---its the funniest/creepiest thing I've ever heard ---listening to it now actually - c'est ce Fraggle Rock!
Been thinking about a lot in life lately ---wonder how God is going to make all of this work out. Its kinda exciting. I hate it how say something then it comes back and it true ---Like I said to Kelly one day about the man I'll marry ---"You know the exciting thing is even if it doesn't work him I know that God has someone even better for me --which gets me excited becasue he's pretty much incredible." I said that a while ago - you know when things come back --its like ohhh ...thats also how I feel about my future - I need to totally give up my control on it and not worry about tommorrow - I know that if NZ or England or Spain doesn't work out then God ahs something better for me - something that completes me better --somewhere he needs me more.
Random Quotes of the day: "I'm just hitting snooze my Biological clock" - Me and "He is my dam boyfriend" - Jesse and "Lets just keep the curses and cursed objects to my side of the room" - Megan. "Maybe you'll fly of the Bull and land on him" - Jesse

Boomsday family fun

So, on Sat I was in charge of the CSF's boomsday things - went well except I left someone behind - man I felt like crud. I got into walk fast mode and didn't look back - hmm wonder if this applies to more than one area of my life. The fireworks were so cool - it was fun. Then we watched Can't Hardly wait - one of my all time fav movies - so funny - man I love Seth Green. I also got some Sweet Jesse time - dang that girl is amazing - such an amazing servant! I also got to cuddle with her kitty - dudley - aka one of the coolest cats ever - so funny! I was so tired I fell asleep in like 2 mins and missed out on any cabin time. Then church was amazing great - my favorite prof preached - about true spirituality and well I needed to hear that. I made the lunch afterwards - man I love doing that kind of stuff. Everyone's parents were out visiting - so fun. Steven's parents were there - such fun people - his dad Buddy is a great man and his mom Sally is the sweet person ever. I think its so fun to see where people came from...it explains a lot about them. Well other than that not much going on - going white water rafting next sat - so excited - I don't have a swimsuit - I actually lost it. So yeah thats about it here - My room is trashed at the moment and I have to work nine hours tommorrow. Oh my painting is actually really cool - man it helped my mood. I need to turn off the depressing music but I can't - I love it! No really the Garden State soundtract is awesome just like the movie! Best get a cleanin and need to spend some time thinkin and praying about England. Oh so like all my friends randomly have emailed from NZ and it tugs at my heart. Man!!!

Truth and Purity

I realize that the Bible says the truth will set you free but I guess I learning more about truth at the moment. Man all I feel like I do is whine lately...I'm not trying to...Life just keeps bring one thing after another after another. I was well given some crappy news today that made me both angry and embaressed at the same time. I just wanted to scream and yell - it was my right not o tell about something - If I had wanted it known I would have told it myself. I was embaressed becasue it was of personal nature that is a side of me that I don't have the greatest confidence in. I was hurt in the fact that I never got to explain myself - or my feelings - someone took that away from me - now they will never be truely understood. So on Monday on the way home from work I was chattin it up with God while I was driving and I asked God to smack me in face with wither or not he wanted me in New Zealand. So yeah uhmm I am taking this all as a NZ is a no go for the moment - which is nice but sucky to know. I mean I love it dearly but at this moment and I realize that this is the hurt speaking it is the last place I want to be at the moment - nice change because it has been the only place I wanted to be for quite some time. I don't know if I'm over reacting or over anylazing everything like I tend to do. I got to call my Best friend Kelly from home and just just let me weep and she even cried right along with me - man God has blessed me with amazing an woman. It was freeing to just let it go - didn't think I was as hurt as I was - funny what happens when you let yourself just feel what happens. i went out to dinner with Hannah and Missy - felt bad cause I was poor company. I even went to the soccer game to cheer on Steven- and yet again I was poor company. Went to walmart and bought a beautiful canvas to poor my feelings onto - man I'll create some crappy art tonight :) I don't know why but being creative sooths my feelings. In NZ when everything was crap with Carrie I was able to make these scroll things and posters for girls night - man it felt good. Something about just letting myself go and just expressing is well...purifing to me.

England

Well today was a good day - classes were good - I learned about the danger of being too open and vunernable with my congreation. It was neat becasue I have wrestled with that concept. Then we discussed the attrubutes of God and it was well...powerful. So excited for Tommy to preach at the CSF house on Sunday. Then I learned about the urban poor in mexico city - hard core dude hardcore! Homeless children rip my heart out - I'mlike I'll take them all and love them please! Then I met with CMF about future missions ideas and one came up - it is starting a campus ministry in England - and maybe doing some youth ministry work with an organization that partners with CIY - I mean they are both things very close to my heart its just hard because well - its not New Zealand. Not that I can only work there it just I seemed to have left my heart there and I can't move past it so much. I'm sitting here drinking my L&P the sweet nector of God himself - sweet heavens I only have 5 cans left what will I do. I gaze loveling at my bunderburg ginger beer (nonalcholic) and want it but realize its all I have in the world! So yeah I'm full drama. Today was a good day all in all. OH I AM GETTING CREDIT FOR MY INTERNSHIP- Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So yeah thats about it here - tommorrow is work and the guys first soccer game - go Stevers! So yeah its good and happy aniversery out to Jesse and Josh - three years - dang and thats just dating! You both amaze me with your love! Such good friends the Lord has truely blessed me with this past year - so excited about slumber party on Sat night (I'll bring my NZ mud mask)