A lil piece of me: May 2006

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

healing

ok ok so after confessing to Stacey and asking forgiveness...I'm better. Man, this whole dying to the flesh...being renewed in Christ thing is hard but totally worth it. ohh and I cried so I feel a lot better...it's now almost 6pm and the gym awaits. Oh I told Gabe (I work with him and he's married) that he may not know this but I'm hot...and the great news was that I went to Ann Taylor and EVERYTHING fit!!!!! some didnt look the best because of the cut but it all fit!!!! I did a jig for joy with Twila...yessss almost half way!!! that's what I'm talking about!

Black Eye

Tough day…today was a tough day and it’s only half over…It’s been one of those days that starts out good but as you try to keep rolling with the punches you end up with a black eye. I guess I should talk about this tough day…
It is Tuesday that is normally one of my favorite days…it’s business casual day at the office…I think of it as dress up day and I’m not going to lie I look good. So I’ve been out of the office for almost a week so I spend the morning catching up. I was at our intern training up in Lake Wales where I got close to interns and it was hard leaving them but I did telling them I’d see them at the end of the summer. Well, I then I ask my friend Kyle to go to lunch before I take him to the airport. As we pull into the restaurant he asks me if I like him…to which I answer no. I honestly don’t like him. I explained to him my view of waiting till a guy actually likes me…shows interest…till he thinks I’m pretty great before I let myself get involved. I explained to him briefly the Steven situation and how I was hurt though that whole can of worms because I deeply cared about someone who really didn’t like me and how I’m not going to do that to myself again. I’m saying this because I have a big head at all but I deserve to have someone be passionate about me. Anyway, I thanked him for being honest with me and told him things will be awkward for a while because I will over analyze everything. I wish guys and girls could be good friends and this just goes to show that they can’t be…because my actions were taken for more than what they were intended to be. I just wish I could love people properly…no bars without constraints…it really sucks I can’t. Then I get back to the office and I have quick meeting with Stacey about setting up another meeting when I find out that Phil decided who could be at intern debrief –lets just say I am not one of the ones chosen. I’m going to be honest that this is the punch that blackened my eye today. I mean I know it makes sense…it’s just hard. We are getting big as an organization and not everyone needs to be there…it just sucks…I totally need to cry but for some reason the tears well up and I stop them. Telling myself I should be upset and yet that’s a lie…why am I so upset? Is it because I just spent a week pouring into them or is it that I derive who I am from going…if it is the later then I have self worth issues which seem to be at the root of everything. I know this is the wrong attitude and I feel 6 saying this but I wish I could get picked for the A team…I wish it wasn’t so important to me but I’m lying if I said it wasn’t. I guess I’m just overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, hurt, pride, and disappointment…the list is seemingly endless. I also really want to see these people I got close to that honestly Stacey and Derek didn’t get close to. I wish I could roll with punches better…but rolling for me always leads to a black eye…now comes the age old question to share with Stacey what I’m feeling…which she most likely already knows because my face is transparent and have to admit my continued failures or sit in my office and mope for the rest of the day and take it out at the gym…..well I defiantly going to the gym tonight but I’ll tell Stacey too! It sucks to have to grow...sorry I'm not more joyful.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Hungry eyes

So alas I am back at work...Not that I don't like work...It's always hard to come back from vacation and start work...The same problems are there to deal with and there are a million more things to catch up on...Sorry I'm feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Phil talked to me today and said that this church in town is wanting a college and career minister and recommended me for the job...I was like wow...Then I was like I just became a member at CrossPoint and I LOVE church again...anyhoo if God wants me to do something like that he's have to drop it in my lap at this point. Other than that tonight is my first meeting with the small group for the summer - I think I'll have two but the other is on Thursday nights. I'm really excited about this and we're meeting at Black Hawk (really the only kind of cool cafe in town) --so excited!!! I just wish today hadn't been one of those days that takes everything out of you!!! So I think I'm goin go home - eat and then have some sweet alone time with God. Oh so about Nashville...It was wonderful...I saw green lush grass and heard leaves blowing in the wind...It made me long for a walk in the woods that's for sure. I had loads of sweet BFF time and hopefully didn't smother her with my love! I played putt put golf by black light (hence glow golf) where I learned I play funny and don' have a large attention span...Home hung out a lot...Watched Kill Bill vol 1&2 and hitchhikers guide---all 3 great flicks. uhmm hung out some more...Laughed till I cried more than once...Cried once...uhmm went to church...I really loved church...I have my Nashville life figured out already!...Then hung out some more...Ate loads of Chinese food (which I love) all in all a wonderful trip and I'm so thankful that I got go and that Jesse and Josh spoiled me rotten! They are too good to me!!!
So yeah I'm way hungry - so I'm goin go eat...