Ok, so I bought the best cd ever (ok maybe not ever but...a sweet workout cd) Destiny Child's number 1 hits. All I can say is that I don't think you're ready for this jelly...never gets old to me... We're moving offices into our new beautiful remodeled goodness! I'll have an office with a door and privacy and everything! So happy...My body is so sore from moving all the stuff out of the two offices into this one...but we still aren't allowed to start work because we don't have our certificate of occupancy yet so this week will be pretty random...and streching for people like me who likes to know what I'll be doing when I wake up in the morning.
I'm still chewing on a lot in my life right now... mannn it makes me exhausted though...my friend Twila and I have been talking a lot about how lately we've been thinking about hurts in our life...you know things that you push deep down inside and tell yourself that they're no big deal but in all realality they are a big deal and you relive them. For me it was talking to my friend Ashley a few weeks ago that opened that flood gate...I remembered this incident that happened freshman year on our way to St. Louis on a missions trip...mannn it sucks to look back after 6 yrs and realize that you're never forgiven people or gotten over a hurt I've wrapped myself in or even the real reason I left MCC...so much hurt that it took me a week to realize why I was tired...so yeah Twila and I will tell each other our random memories and just listen to each other first be all like I can't believe I'm still hurt about this and that it shouldn't be a big deal but it still hurts...It's wierd once I've shared those hurts they aren't so huge anymore and while they still sting they aren't such gaping big wounds anymore...that once I've allowed myself to be open, honest, and vulnerable with people the deep relationships that I crave actually happen...real communiaction happens and not just between people but also with God. God has always in my life found ways to crank me open...he never just let me fester in my sin...he is always not just chasing after me but also rescuing and holding me close. I have a hard time trusting him...I want to and my head and heart know that it is what needs to happen and yet I hold myself back...fear of the unknown...fear or totally surrender and abandonment and allowing my needs to be met by someone other than me. This is what we're called to...and honestly I don't know how to do that at this point. How to allow myself to be loved truly, madly, and deeply by my creator. To give up myself...one would think someone that spend 5 years at Bible College would know how to do that and yet here I sit perflexed, frustrated, and well... hurt. I know the decision that I need to make but I'm trying to figure out how to do it... I have a feeling it's much simplier than I'm making it out to be but it's one of those things that I need to own and make mine...
So yeah...I realized that all my favorite tv shows have a lot if inner monologue and that I'm starting to do that...(this is like when I watched too much Gilmore Girls and starting talking like them - real fast and witty at least to me in my head) Yeah... I should probally stop the inner monologue because it's not as cool as it is on Scrubs and Grey's anotomy at all...but seriously try doing it for a day...it's kind of fun!
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