Deep thoughts

Ok so yesterday I found a little pieace of paradise! I went to Sanibel Island with a group of friends. I love this group but after not getting enough sleep and just hanging out with the night before our very distinct and different personalities rubbed against each other in a bad way at times. It was all worth it though...it was the perfect beach day. See I guess I should explain that I'm not a beach kind of girl...my people were not beach dwellers...I'm pale (ghastly white on the legs), red hair, green eyes, and freckles...I don't tan I burn then peel then get more freckles...so beach time isn't my kind of things all the time. My people are Irish, English, Scottish, and German...if you'd add a Nordic people in there I think I'd be an albano there's so much whiteness. Ok, back to beach time...it was great the sun was hot but not I can smell my own flesh burning hot, there was a soft breeze, 6 dolphins past by (not Zipper though (he's surly)), and the water was perfect!!! it was awesome! At one point everyone (but me) decided to run on the beach (not me---bad ankles or so I said) and I got sweet beach alone time! A time to finsh the book and then just think with the sound of the waves softly break on the shore. I was hit hard by something in the end of the book about community...I wanted to share it because it pretty well sums up my past year and everything I've been going through.
" Life in community does not keep the darkness away. To the contrary. It seems that the light that attracted me to L'Arche aslo made me conscious of the darkness in myself. Jealousy, angry, the feeling of being rejected or neglected, the sense of not truly belonging - all of these emerged in the context of a community striving for a life of forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing. Community life has opened me up to the real spiritual combact: the struggle to keep moving toward the light precisely when the darkness is so real. As long as I lived by myself, it seemed rather easy to keep the elder son hidden from view. Bit the sharing of life with people who are not hiding their feelings soon confronted me with the elder son within. There is little romanticism to community life. There is the constant need to keep stepping out of the engulfing darkness onto the platform of the father's embrace." - Henri Nouwen.
Sometimes I hate that everything can be like duhhh Corey...I feel like what I'm feeling or have gone through should be something as grand as my over reaction to it. This however was not one of those moments...as I sat on the beach watching from a distant a dad play with his boys in the sand and my friends walking back I realized something. That it's my choice how to react to things...and these choices determine wither or not I will be alone or in community. As I think about relationships especially marriage and parenting(not that I'm dating anyone or have prospects) I realize how hard they are...you have to be willing to share your life with someone - the good times and the bad. I will be honest that I didn't grow up with any examples of this kind of community and the thought scares me to death. It scares me to give up that kind of control and trust people. My head says Corey you know what will happen but my heart on the other hand cries out Corey don't you see what could happen. I pray that one day both will cry out the same thing but for now I just have to make it through today. Today will be filled with little battles in that combat and there will be many defeats and hopefully more victories but I know there will be progress. I know this because we are made new in Christ and we each a work in progress and more importantly I know because I'm not doing it alone.